The Corporate Sadist’s Guide to Small Business Development

The Corporate Sadist’s Guide to Small Business Development

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BY WYBRAND GANZEVOORT

Have small suppliers been pestering you lately? Do you wish you could get rid of that troublesome entrepreneurial bunch? Employ just one of these 5 simple methods for destroying SMME suppliers and your days of listening to their constant whining about innovation will be over. We guarantee that by using these tried and tested methods you can say goodbye to your SMME problems and you will forever be rid of those pesky little ventures.

Method 1:  Pay them late

Use this method to instantly get rid of those troublemakers who mumble on and on about innovation rather than delivering discounts.  Simply promise them 30 days or less and then hold out on them for 90 days or longer.  If they still bother you after that, then promise them that you will look into the matter and refer them to the clause which says: “Payment after confirmed receipt of invoice.”  Or better yet, query some insignificant point on their current invoice and let them run around for days trying to sort out all the iterations you can think up. This will be highly entertaining as you watch them starve for lack of cash.

 

Method 2:  Make them think they have the business and then take it away

This method not only destroys the little company they think they have built up, but also allows you to crush their spirit. Start by stringing them along for a while.  This can be done by calling them in for hour after hour of meetings or presentations.  Once you have them convinced that you are interested, then lure them deeper into the trap by making them think that they are one of the choice suppliers that could get the work.  The audacity of these pompous little sales agents will make them think they have caught the big one.  At this juncture it is very important that you make them commit specific resources to your project, making them think it is a done deal. Before you finalise the contract however, tell them you have reconsidered and then go ahead and give the contract to one of those trusty larger companies that you have been doing business with for years.

 

Method 3:  Let them bite off more than they can chew

What those insignificant little internal locus of control freaks need is a bit of their own medicine.  If you really want to have them scramble around just before they keel over then you need to give it them.  Yes, you heard me.  Don’t slowly move over from one contract to another, don’t help them along by allowing them to get used to the volume of delivery or the culture of your company.  No! Why wait? In one fell swoop you give them everything, more than they would ever cope with and then see them scramble about trying to service the work. The inevitable follows and they soon find their little company completely overwhelmed and unable to cope.  If they do however make it, you must be sure that you have not paid them too much, as they would have probably outsourced the business to your current supplier.  If this is the case then you are probably paying more than you should, but at least you are still doing business with those trusty old suppliers you have always done business with.

 

Method 4: Create the illusion of doing business

For those of you that are a little more advanced in destroying small companies there is one technique that takes precedence over all others.  This technique allows you to watch them squirm over a long period of time as they slowly wither away.  What you need to do is give them a contract and then…. wait for it… wait for it… you do nothing.  “What!?”, I hear you say, “nothing!”. Yes nothing.  What the little low turnover midget will do (once they have the contract) is to mobilise to try and service the contract.  And yet you do nothing.  Here is the trick you see, if you don’t give them a purchase order then they cannot do any work, and will never get paid.  So even if they have the contract they are really nowhere at all and have expended all their cash in anticipation of doing some work.  In the meantime you are carrying along with your so called dual supplier strategy, and, you guessed it, making use of that trusty old suppliers that you have always used in the past.

 

Method 5:  Feed them to the end users

Now this method is for the sophisticated sadist, so dear reader, follow me closely.  The very first thing you need to do is make the supplier think you are on their side.  Now be very careful to keep the end user as far as possible from those pesky little venture creators.  All that you need to discuss with the pathetic small supplier is how much their so called product and service offering will cost and when they will be able to deliver on it, but make sure they don’t discuss anything about the current service levels expectations of the offering or any of the specific compliance related matters.  If they ever ask to meet an end user then tell them that you are looking after their best interests and that they really should only be dealing with the supply chain.

Now pay close attention at this stage, with a grin of satisfaction on your face, give those rodents of the business underworld the deal.  Once they start delivering on the service they will realise the significant difference between what they promised and what the expectations are from the end users.  At this time you should completely disassociate yourself from the process.  Sure you might find that your colleagues distrust you in the short term, but believe you me, in the long term it’s all for the better.  Very soon you will find things going back to business as usual.

 

This article was originally posted here: http://www.collectivevaluecreation.co.za/small-business-development-satire/?utm_campaign=shareaholic&utm_medium=reddit&utm_source=news

It is reused with kind permission.

 




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